Bonus Chapter: The New Year’s Resolution

Nick: What are you doing?

Jane: Go away, I’m busy.

Nick: Blimey, I was only asking!

Jane: Be quiet! You’re just a character, not a real person.

Nick: Yeah? So why are you annoyed?

Jane: Because you’re being annoying! Go away and bother Anna.

Nick: She’s busy, too.


Jane: Wait, what? What do you mean she’s busy, too? She’s another character in the book. She can’t go off and be busy by herself!

[Nick shrugs]

Nick: Tell her that.

Jane: I will! I mean … that’s ridiculous. [Pause] What’s she doing?

Nick: Writing a book.

Jane: She can’t be writing a book! I’M the author! I write the books with Stuart!

Nick: I know, but you guys made her really clever and in the story she says she’s thinking about writing a book … well, she’s started.

Jane: Ugh! I can’t believe this! Well … go away and annoy her instead!

Nick: If I do that, she won’t have sex with me.

Jane: Nick!

Nick: What? You wrote her as a strong woman who knows her own mind. It’s your fault if she gets annoyed with me, so it’s your fault if I don’t get laid.

Jane: This is so crazy, you know that, right?

Nick: Yeah, I guess.

Jane: Look, can’t you go and … go and work-out at the gym or something? You’re supposed to be getting in training for the sequel.

Nick: I’ve already been to the gym today. It was leg day. I’m knackered. And hungry.

Jane: Go and eat something then.

Nick: I would, but Anna’s working at her laptop in the kitchen. If I go in and annoy her now…

Jane: I know! I know! You won’t get laid!


Nick: What are you doing?

Jane: [sighs] I’m writing my New Year’s Resolutions.

Nick: Really?

Jane: Yes, really.

Nick: Want any help?

Jane: No.

Nick: Seriously, I could help. I’m good at resolutions. You know, when your world crashes down…

Jane: Oh my God! Okay! Fine! You can help me with my New Year’s Resolutions.

Nick: What have you got so far?

Jane: 1. Eat more chocolate.

Nick: Shouldn’t that be eat less chocolate.

Jane: Shut up! These are MY resolutions. If you don’t like them, go and write your own.

Nick: Touchy! What’s number two?


Nick: Cool! Great title by the way.

Jane: Thank you. It’s about you.

Nick: Yeah? What happens?

Jane: I don’t know. We haven’t written it yet. Maybe you should tell me what happens. After all, it’s your life.

Nick: I can’t.

Jane: Of course you can!

Nick: But you’ll tell everyone.

Jane: That’s kind of the point.

Nick: Well, I’m not telling you.

Jane: Nick!

Nick: I can’t tell you because I’m just a character in a book, so my life hasn’t happened yet. Which sucks, by the way. Why don’t you ask Stuart?

Jane: You think he might know?

Nick: Well, he IS your co-author, isn’t he? Maybe he knows what’s going on. [mumbles] One of you ought to.

Jane: I heard that! [phones Stuart] He’s not answering.

Nick: Perhaps he’s writing his New Year’s Resolutions.

Jane: Very funny.

Nick: I know. You wrote me with a sense of humour. Or maybe Stuart wrote that bit, because you seem…

Jane: I seem what?!

Nick: Well, kind of uptight.

Jane: What part of SHUT UP didn’t you understand the first time?

Nick: Why are you shouting at me? Because it’s weird, you know. This whole conversation that you’ve had with me is all in your head. Spooky, huh?

Jane: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Nick: Jane? Hello?